One of the jobs I do in order to not have a job is to teach art and writing in the schools. I'll take on any age group. 4th grade? No sweat. High school? Fine. Even middle school is just hunky dory with me. I can't believe how many people think that middle school should have a gate with an "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here" blazoned across it. And if that's the way they feel they should stay away. You really can't afford to be even a persperation drop nervous around twelve to fourteen year olds, you know.

They can smell fear a mile away.

All grades do have their hazards but it's usually not something a raised eyebrow can't take care of.
(I do have a talent for lifting one eyebrow into a perfect Spock 'now exactly what type of creature are you?" look. Man I am never giving that trick up) But the threat posed by the first graders I have been working with this week isn't always readily apparent.

Don't misunderstand me here. First graders aren't bad. This class has been just peachy. Energetic - but peachy.

It's been a little like trying to keep baby snakes in a playpen.

No, the potential risk posed by this age group is dealing with the questions they ask. In addition to teaching indivdual classes I also do big school assemblies and when it comes to the question and answer time I am sorely tempted to ignore that shiny faced child with the angelic grin wildly waving that cute arm in the air.

They might be a first grader.

Because if I do call on them and ask, "Yes, honey. Do you have a question?" They nod their head enthusiastically and say, "I have a brother."

Now that all momentum that I may have acheived with my presentation has just gone belly up I gently remind the dear tot that a question is when you want to know something and a story is when you want to tell something and I wish that I had all day to hear everyone's story but I don't and only have time for questions so, "Now, do you have a question?"

The first grader blinks wisely and says, "I have baby brother."

Other 'questions' that stick in my mind like old gum from a movie theater floor are:

• I had a dog but it died
• My cat has three legs
• My Grandma lives in Florida
• My birthday is this year
• I have to go to the bathroom

Wait, there was one asked by a first grader that actually was a real-life question.

"Why are your eyes so red?"

God love 'em.

To tell the truth I find these 'questions' more amusing than annoying and they give me something to repeat at cocktail parties. It's the questions that adults ask that can tweak me. I mean, first graders have an excuse. They're kind of like pupae. But adults should know better.

For example, someone I don't know calls me to donate artwork for an auction to a charity I have no connection with asks, "Don't you think it would be great exposure for you?"

The answer is no.

Or, someone who learns that I write and illustrate children's books asks, "I have a story that I'm writing and it's about this bunny who's really cute and has all these adventures and my grandchildren love it and I'm sure it will sell a million copies so will you draw some pictures for it and then give it to your editor?"

The answer is no.

Or when I'm drawing little Spring cards for kids to color in for a charity event that I do have a connection with and a little gray haired lady grabs one and asks, "Can I have this?" I would have said yes but that wasn't the end of her query. She turns to her friend and says, "I'm going to steal this and run off copies for my Easter egg hunt next week." And then back to me who was sitting right next to her and can hear every word, "You don't have a problem with that, do you?"

I couldn't say a thing. I just stared at her, trying to figure out if what she had said was as hideous as it had sounded.

It was.

After several more uncomfortably silent seconds she slapped the drawing back down on the table and walked away.

I still can't think of the perfect answer to her question. The only thing I keep coming up with is "drop dead'.

So, first graders are a piece of cake. Like this morning when a curly haired moppet looked carefully at a crumb of green oil pastel on her desk and asked, "Is that a booger?"

I'll take booger questions and first graders anyday.